Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
