My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
