I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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