i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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