onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
