I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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