I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
