Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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