At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
