I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
