My cat gives me a boner
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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