The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
