There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
