think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
