watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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