you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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