life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
