I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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