I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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