forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
