I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
