My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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