"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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