But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
