oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
