Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
