Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
