Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
