That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
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