Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize