Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
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