he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
