A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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