i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
