He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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