I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
