Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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