You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
