her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Someone came in the potted fern
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
