imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
