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All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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