i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
