Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Ketchup is God's man juice
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
