last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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