Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
