i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
