Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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