I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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