I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
