glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
