see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
