one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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