Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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