I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
