Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So many bounce houses so little time
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
