I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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