If i come over, it means nothing
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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