Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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